Sometimes, we don’t know what to say or how to say it.
There are times when the other person is so stuck in the emotional whirlpool of their anger that they are, quite literally, unable to hear the apology or acknowledgment.
Sometimes, they are unwilling to hear the apology or acknowledgment because this might lead to change, a change they would be making. It is simply not the time to address the issue. We are all sensitive about changes to how we see things or how we think things should be or should have been.
In any of these situations, blending an AAA or ERA into a Three Part Message, which can help you get your apology across.
Apologize with a Three Part Message
Using the AAA pattern: When I said [That’s stupid, I hurt you] Because [insulted your intelligence]. I apologize. I’m sorry that I hurt you. How can I make it up to you?
This apology will be heard. With a Three Part Message, you spell out exactly what you said or did, acknowledge that it hurt the other person, and understand why it hurt them.
If a reflected apology would be more appropriate: When [someone called you stupid that must have hurt you] Because [that’s insulting to your intelligence.] I’m sorry that happened to you. What can I do to help?
Also helpful are: (1) I don’t know what I did that hurt you. (2) I am truly sorry that you have been hurt. (3) I’m sorry that X happened to you. and (4) What can I do to help?
Although you may feel a bit awkward at first using the AAA and ERA formats, you’ll find that these formats make things easier for you and help restore relationships.
Don’t say, “I didn’t mean it.”
First of all, you won’t be believed, because to them, it felt like you meant every word you said and it feels like you’re trying to avoid taking responsibility for your actions.
“I didn’t mean it” can be used by small children. Adults know the child is trying to apologize and that they’re learning how to apologize. We assume adults know how to apologize.
You ended up saying, “I didn’t mean it” because: (a) you were careless about what you said, or (b) you were only thinking about how good it was to vent and get things off your chest, or (c) you weren’t thinking about the effect of your words on the person who was hearing them or going to read them, or (d) you had a bad case of verbal incontinence.
Admit what you did and that it was wrong.
Forgiveness is not an on-demand item.
You can’t demand that someone forgive you, even if you apologize. You can ask for forgiveness; you can’t demand it or manipulate the other person into forgiving you. The difference between demanding and asking shows up in the words, the facial expression, the posture, and especially in the tone of voice.
Forgiveness is not forgetting about the hurtful event. It is deciding not to let a hurtful event be a filter through which you “see” another person and hear every word they say.
Forgiveness is giving another person the opportunity to demonstrate their changed attitude and changed behaviour. The changed attitude and behaviour mean that they will not repeat the hurtful event.
The restoration of the relationship is accomplished by both the offender making the change(s) and by the person offended giving the offender the opportunity to show they’ve changed. The onus on restoring the relationship is on the one who offended (the offender), not on the one offended.
Typically in relationships, both parties will be offenders and offended, although the hurtful events will not all be equal in their impact.
I’m sorry. One size doesn’t fit all.
There’s no one-size-fits-all for apologies. Although we’re taught to say “I’m sorry” as children, this is only just the starting point. There is an art to apologizing. Knowing when an apology is needed. Tayloring the apology to the situation. And delivering it with appropriate sincerity. When given thoughtfully, an apology is soothes both the giver and the receiver.
