The way you apologize depends on whether you caused the hurt or whether someone or something else caused the hurt.
There’s the direct apology: (1) Accept responsibility: “I’m sorry I upset you”, (2) Apologize: “when I ….” or “that I ….”, and (3) Ask“What can I do to fix this?”
And the reflective apology: (1) Empathize: “Oh. I’m sorry that you’re upset. (2) Express your Regret: (a) If you know what happened, add “that X happened to you.” or (b) If you don’t know, ask them what happened. After you understand what happened, say, “I’m sorry that happened to you.” and (3) Ask: “Is there anything I can do to help you?”
AAA: The Direct Apology
The AAA pattern gets right to the heart of the matter. The person attacking you is blaming you, trying to put the responsibility onto you. When you are responsible, Accept responsibility, Apologize, and Ask. For example, “I really blew it when I X’d. I’m sorry. What can I do to fix it?”
The words you use to apologize are important. Your words need to connect your feelings to your behaviour. Use “sorry” and “apologize.” Try not to use “regret” unless you say “profoundly regret” or “deeply regret.”
Observe your gut feeling as you read, “I regret my actions.” That sounds very formal. It feels like there’s distance between the speaker and the listener. Now observe your gut feeling as you read, “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” The distance is gone, although it recalls memories of being told as a child to “Say you’re sorry.” There’s something missing. It still sounds a bit like a formula. Now observe as you read, “I’m truly sorry that what I said hurt you.” It no longer feels like the formula we were all taught as a child.
And if you did not intend to hurt them, let them know that.
Even more important is your tone of voice. If you aren’t truly sorry, it will leak out in the tone of your voice. Your tone of voice will contradict your words, and you’ll come across as insincere. The other person will probably be insulted. Not what you’re trying to accomplish.
Make sure your words match how you feel. If you see that the other person hasn’t emotionally accepted your apology, wait a short while, reword your apology to match your feelings, and then apologize to them again.
When you apologize, do you feel vulnerable? We remember what it was like to be made to say “sorry,” how alone and vulnerable we felt. We don’t like that feeling. This is different. This is your choice. Your decision. Apologizing is the right thing to do.
Ask what you can do to fix the situation. By asking what can be done, you are trying to work it out. Discuss what happened and negotiate how to resolve it.
ERA: The Reflective Apology
The ERA pattern is reflective of the other person. It is an empathic acknowledgment of the situation the other person finds themself in and how they feel. Part of the reason we get aggressive is to let other people know that we have been hurt. By acknowledging their hurt, you are helping them work through things.
Empathize with their situation. Imagine what it’s like for the other person. You can express your Regret about what’s happened to them, if only because bad things happen to you, too. Ask what you can do to help.
For example, “How terrible. I know how mad I’d be if that had happened to me. I’m sorry that it happened to you. Is there anything I can do to help you?”
By asking if there is a way that you can fix the situation or help the other person fix the situation, you will not be perceived as trying to avoid the situation — or them. It is a productive way to resolve a situation, especially when you weren’t involved in the first place.
An ERA is not to be confused with a “non-apology”. An ERA is an apology; it reflects back to the person the regret they need to hear. It doesn’t make you responsible, although it does show that you empathize with them.
