Apologies are supposed to restore social relations. To repair the damage of an insult. To acknowledge that you’ve fallen short of what you promised. To acknowledge a wrong that you did or were part of, and start repairing the damage. Sometimes, they don’t work.
Apologies that don’t work fall into one of the following categories: inadequate, incomplete, insincere, insulting, and inveigling. Please note that these categories can overlap and an in-apology can fall into more than one category.
1. INADEQUATE
The classic example of an inadequate apology is “Sorry.” Unless a child uses this, because they’re learning how to behave. We teach children to say, “I’m sorry,” and children will often just say “Sorry.”
“Sorry” doesn’t even say that the speaker is sorry. When apologizing, the person apologizing needs to clearly say that they are sorry.
“Sorry” doesn’t say what they’re sorry for. It usually means they’re sorry they got caught.
“Sorry” is more a marker, just an asterisk that a real apology is to follow.
2. INCOMPLETE
“I’m sorry” is incomplete. Although it does let you know that the speaker is sorry, it still doesn’t say what the speaker is sorry for. Again, probably just that they got caught.
“I’m sorry” doesn’t recognize that you’re upset. Its sole focus is on the speaker. And depending on the tone of voice used, it might not even show that the speaker regrets what happened. It doesn’t even begin to make amends.
3. INSINCERE
Even if the words meet all the criteria of an effective apology, the tone of voice gives the speaker away. They really don’t mean it. They are not sorry.
They might be “apologizing” only to put them in a good light, to maintain a good image. Or (and here’s the suspicious part of me coming out), they might be “apologizing” to weaken your position. On the surface, they’ve apologized and if you don’t accept the apology, you become the bad guy. You’re no longer the one that’s been hurt, just unreasonable.
4. INSULTING
“I didn’t mean it” dismisses what happened, what was said. It assumes that you must know they didn’t intend to hurt you, so you’re being hurt is unreasonable.
If your words really did get away from you, say that. “My words got away from me.” Or, “I really don’t know why I said that.” Then give a true apology.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is not an apology. They’re not sorry at all. It’s an attack. It’s very dismissive. It says, “You’re wrong.” “You really shouldn’t feel that way.” Ouch.
5. INVEIGLING
Gaslighting and manipulating are synonyms of inveigling. (I wanted to keep the “in-“ thing going to coin the word “in-apology”.)
One type of inveigling apology falls into the “but” category. “I’m sorry that I didn’t call you earlier, but if you’d be a better wife/husband/friend/lover, I’d be more inclined to call you more often.” The “but” negates what goes before it so you’re just left with the not-so-subtle manipulation: “You need to try harder.”
A more subtle form of this in-apology is, “I’m sorry that I didn’t call you earlier. I’m a terrible person for making you worry.” While it may appear that the person is apologizing (“I’m sorry ….”), the “I’m a terrible person” is calibrated to hit your guilt button. The goal of this apology is not to repair the rift caused by the not-phoning; it’s to make you feel bad and to get you to try to make it up to them!!
Now What?
Now that you’ve identified why you feel the way you do after an “apology” was given, what do you do? What can you do?
If it’s an inadequate or incomplete apology, wait to see what they do. Their actions will show whether they meant their apology or not. There are many people who have this deep-seated belief that if they apologize, certain precious body parts will wither away or wrinkle, so they say as little as possible. However, they are truly sorry and will change their behaviour, and not just for the short term.
If it’s an insincere apology, then little has changed. The only thing that has changed is that the other person recognizes they need to apologize although they don’t want to. It’s a small beginning, but a beginning nonetheless. Unless you’re dealing with a child or a person who is just learning the need to apologize, don’t wholeheartedly accept the apology. Acknowledge the start of an apology.
If it’s an insulting apology, treat it as you would any other insult. Is it best to ignore it (even if just for now)? Or is a touch of the absurd better? With a small smile and gentle chuckle, “What way? With my hands?”
If it’s an inveigling apology, a simple “Oh” will suffice. “Oh” simply acknowledges that they have spoken. Silence can be mistaken for defiance by someone who uses inveigling apologies. “Oh” doesn’t commit you to any action. Once you recognize that it’s an inveigling apology, it will be easier for you to deal with the games triggered in your head.
The variations are endless, and the best choice depends on the context and the people involved.
