An apology is not about making yourself small or weak; it’s about restoring relationships. If you make yourself small or weak, this does not help the social group. If you restore the relationship, this helps the social group.
There are times when we do need to apologize. Sometimes, it’s a small thing that we’ve done. If we don’t apologize, it will be just a small irritant, like a small pinch. You might get away with one pinch, but many pinches hurt and become seriously annoying. That’s why it is good to apologize.
Sometimes — rarely, I hope — you will find yourself in a situation where you have seriously slipped up. Instead of being a quick quip, that remark turned into a sharp knife that cut to the bone. Or you’ve made a mistake. An apology is needed.
And there are many times when you haven’t had anything to do with what happened to the other person and yet, they’re expecting you to apologize.
Many people still use just “I’m sorry” to apologize. We learned these words as a child and remember being shamed into apologizing. Now years later, apologizing makes us feel like a naughty, small child again. This is not a pleasant feeling, and it is understandable we would try to avoid apologizing.
What are apologies all about?
Function of an Apology
Because we are social beings, we interact with other people. In the normal course of those interactions, there will be times when one or both are hurt by the words and/or actions of the other. Apologies help mend the ruptures that happen along the way. Of course, what you do after you’ve made the apology needs to line up with the apology. Countless apologies are undone by actions that repeat the offending behaviour.
“Face” is a psychological concept about how we see ourselves. It’s a combination of our self-image, what we want (our goals), and how others see us. When something affects our self-image or how others see us, or it interferes with our achieving our goals, it’s as if we’ve been slapped in the face (which might be why this concept is called “face”). The function of the apology is to repair the damage to the other person’s “face”. When the affront to their “face” has been addressed properly by the apology, the social relationship is restored.
If you accidentally bump into someone and knock them over, you help steady them or help them up — you restore them to an upright position (i.e., standing again). You apologize to let them know this was an accident, that you weren’t out to get them. That restores the pre-accident social equilibrium between you.
In the same way, if you accidentally bump someone with your words, you’ve bruised their “face”. The apology lets them know that you regret the damage your words did (it removes the bruise to their “face”). Letting them know that you, too, are upset by your behaviour repairs the social relationship.
When you apologize, you are taking responsibility for your behaviour and repairing the damage that happened as a result of your behaviour. That’s not something anyone else can do.
The Anger Factor
When someone is hurt, it usually means that something wrong has happened. The person who’s been hurt always feels as if something wrong has happened to them, and they get angry. Anger tells you you’re reacting to a wrong.
An apology needs to do 3 things: (1) Recognize that they’re upset; (2) Reflect on what happened; and (3) Respond by offering to help fix things.
The details of how to put together an apology continues in Part 2.
