There are times when you need to “exit, stage left” quickly. There are ways to gracefully exit. Turning abruptly and leaving the room is not graceful, as it leaves the other person hanging. Only if you fear being hit you (or worse) is escaping the right thing to do.
When we’re talking with someone, we care about what the other person thinks of us. And that other person also cares about what we think of them. That’s part of “face”, the concept that includes our self-image, what we want, and how others see us. The graceful exit preserves everyone’s “face”.
If you left without saying anything, the other person will remember that you were rude to them. To say the least, they will not be kindly disposed towards you. However, if you left without being rude, they will just remember that you left. What you were talking about may be a big deal, but you won’t have to deal with a rude departure as well as the difficult topic of discussion.
If you left in the middle of an argument, the other person will pick up where you left off. You will probably need to deal with why you left suddenly.
If you left abruptly saying nothing or very little, that’s rude. An apology is called for. It may even be that until you apologize, you won’t get very far. If you find yourself “stuck”, it is likely that the other person needs to hear you apologize.
The better strategy is to use a “face”-saving strategy when you need to leave. One way is to say, “Oops, I’m leaving now. Call you tomorrow.” This does two things: (1) it tells the other person you’re leaving, even though it doesn’t tell them why. and (2) it tells them you aren’t ignoring them, because you’re telling them you will resume the conversation. Of course, you do need to call them the next day.
Don’t just say, “Gotta go” and leave. Instead, say, “Gotta go. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Don’t make up an excuse; the falseness of the excuse will show up in your tone of voice. If you do have an appointment or something else to do at that time, they will hear that in your tone of voice even if you don’t spell it out for them.
If you’re on the phone, and things are starting to get out of hand. Don’t say, “I don’t have to put up with this. I’m going to hang up now, and you can call me back when you’ve calmed down and are ready to speak to me with respect.” This is not a good move, and it can make you appear arrogant (as in, “How d-a-r-e you say that to me!”).
The “put up with” is disrespectful. You’ve just put the other person down. You start out by insulting them. Insulting another person is not an effective way of getting them to deal with you respectfully or calmly. However, it is an effective way to start a fight.
It puts all the blame on the other person. You’re saying, “It’s all your fault!” Even if it is all the fault of the other person, no-one appreciates being told they’re at fault. You’ve just increased the temperature of the dispute, which is probably the exact opposite of what you were trying to do.
A graceful exit is not difficult and is always a good move.
Oops, I’m signing off now. See you in the next post.
