Hostile language is the hallmark of FistFull Language™. It stands out. The words stand out. The tone of voice stands out. And the body language stands out.
Hostile language is highly personal. It’s you and I — or more accurately, you versus me. It’s a fight. There are positions to be attacked and defended. The only purpose of the middle ground is to wrestle with each other. Only one person can win, and that’s me.
Hostile language is extreme. There is no middle ground. It’s “always” and “never”, not “sometimes” or “usually”. There is no softening from the extreme positions that are taken. It’s, “You’re a-a-always late!” and, “You n-e-e-e-e-ver phone!” When really, you might be late once a week, and you usually phone every day. It’s “Everybody knows,” and “Nothing I do is good enough for you.” It describes extreme positions.
Only the worst possibilities are mentioned. Everything is horrible-ized, that is, it’s the most horrible thing that could happen. “Why didn’t you phone? I thought you’d been killed!”
The following characteristics are physical and can be stress-based as well as be signs of hostile language. Our body’s hormonal and physiological response to stress can automatically create effects that we can also create intentionally in hostile language. When you notice these signs, check it out. Don’t assume you’re hearing hostile language. The other person may just be stressed out.
Even if the words themselves are fine, the tone of voice will tell you if you’re facing hostile language. There will be more than the usual stresses when the words are spoken. A stress can be made by speaking one syllable just a little bit louder than the rest of the word, by increasing the pitch contour, and/or by adding pauses between words or even between syllables.
Hostile language has an “edge” to it. The tone of voice is harsh and/or sharp, which makes the words stand out even more. Please note: when you’re under stress, your voice will have an “edge” to it. The “edge” in hostile language is made deliberately. The “edge” in a stressed voice is one of the results of our body’s hormonal and physiological response to being stressed.
Hostile language is supported by aggressive body language. We usually look at the other person’s face while we’re speaking with them. The expression on their face tells us a lot. If they’re using aggressive language and are scowling at you (lowered eyebrows and glaring eyes), you know they really mean what they’re saying. They are Angry. They might have clenched fists. The speaker might lean in towards you or even invade your personal space by coming too close to you.
We can try to mask our aggressive body language. Like putting on a smile. While our lips may be in smile mode, the rest of our face doesn’t match — especially our eyes and the “laugh lines” around our eyes.
We can try to hide our gestures. A speaker may have their hand(s) behind their back, clenching and unclenching their fist. Or the hand resting on their lap might actually be showing “the finger”.
In summary, the characteristics of hostile language are:
- It’s highly personal.
- It’s extreme.
- It uses “always” and “never”, not “often” or “sometimes”.
- It “horrible-izes” what’s happening and what could happen.
- It demonizes the other person.
- Physical factors:
- extra stresses,
- an “edgy” tone of voice,
- an aggressive facial expression, and/or
- aggressive gestures.
